Chapter Twenty; Thoughts From A Me

Dear Reader,

I have noticed during my daily commute on the train that my internal monologue often run on a loop, such are the monotonous journeys I endure each day. I thought I would attempt to entertain you with the thoughts that offer almost everyday (should I be awake enough).

Things I wish I could say on the train:
  1. Could you kindly stop talking, I'm trying to read my book and your voice is putting me off 
  2. Move yo'self the fuck over
  3. MY ARM REST!
  4. Now look here you, stop eating that apple or I'm going to shove it down your throat
  5. Oh I like your dress, where did you get it from?
  6. SIR YOUR HEADPHONES ARE NOT PLUGGED IN AND WE CAN ALL HEAR YOUR SODDING PROGRAMME...
  7. ...wait don't plug them in, I was starting to enjoy that
  8. Stop apologising for the train being late and let's get this show on the road
  9. Please go home and clean your travel mug, that is truly quite deplorable
  10. I see you there, reading the back of my book, it's not my fault you bought no means of entertainment with you!
  11. NO JANET YOU ARE MISTAKEN NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR TRIP TO COSTA SODDING BRAVA FUCK OFF 
  12. Wait, don't turn the page yet I'm not finished
  13. There's food in my bag but I'm too socially anxious to eat it! I'm so hungry!
  14. If I took my shoes off would anyone notice? 
  15. I'M SO HOT SOMEONE OPEN A SODDING WINDOW!
  16. I'M BLOODY FREEZING TELL THE GUARD TO STOP BEING STINGY AND WACK THE HEATING UP!
  17. Oh you're a tourist? Going to London to see the sights? Wonderful. Please move to the next carriage. 
  18. Would you might sitting elsewhere so I can curl up on the seats and fall asleep
  19. I NEED TO STRETCH MY TINY LEGS! 
  20. Stop yawning! You're setting the whole bloody carriage off in a Mexican yawn wave!
  21. Would you mind putting on subtitles, that looks like a good film.
  22. No, no more people, that's quite enough thank you. Look just don't stop at the next station yeah?
  23. YES BARBRA WE GET IT THERES A FOOD TROLLEY SERVING SOFT DRINKS COLD SNACKS AND COLD BEVERAGES AND YOU CAN BE FOUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS TWELVE COACH TRAIN. NO ONE WANTS YOUR OVERPRICED, WARM, POOR EXCUSES FOR FOOD AND DRINK
  24. Good grief I'm hungry
  25. I'm dreadfully sorry you have a cold but if you cough one more BUGGERING time I'm going to throw you like Uncle Phil used to do to Jazz out the door at the next stop.
  26. GOOD MORNING VIETNAM! It's 07.30 you know what the 0 stands for? OH MY GOD ITS EARLY
 
S.P.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Chapter Twenty Two - Quater Life Crisis

Dear Reader, I'm having what my age group have deemed a 'quarter life crisis', at the ripe ol' age of 25 I have started to panic, I don't think I panicked at 24 and I definitely don't think I was panicking at 23 but at 25, it's panicking time. Here comes the anxiety fuelled panic in 3...2...1... - I'm panicking that I'm not where I should be in life - I'm panicking that I am nowhere near as successful as neither my boyfriend nor my father (at my age) - That I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life - That I'm just going to float around between jobs that I don't truly enjoy for the rest of my life - That I'll never figure out a job that I actually love - That I will never be truly at peace with my body shape/the way I look - That I will never be as successful as my boyfriend and my father - That I will never earn enough money to be able to live comfortably and much more... I'm feeling brave today Dear...
Read more

Chapter Sixteen: Do The Locomotion

Dear Reader, I am officially a commuter, a grumpy, tired, stop stealing my seat and stay on your BLOODY SIDE...commuter. To be fair, I'm not grumpy really and we all know I never actually tell anyone to stay on their side, I'm quite small for such a huge wuss. It's more of loud internal monologue whereupon shouting occurs at random points. I'm sure that should you be able to tape it and play it back, it might make a rather good radio show. So as of last week my people watching has kicked up a notch, I'm in London now, way more people to watch here... However, what the BLOODY  HELL LONDON?! Do you have to sign a document before you live here saying that under no circumstances will you ever move out of the way?! I mean I'm all for sticking to your guns but this is ridiculous. The amount of people that have whacked straight into me when all it would have taken is a 3 degree shift to the left is quite maddening. And I tell you what's more, I'm so Br...
Read more